Tears in my eyes, lumps in my throat, overwhelming moments of fear, heaviness of longing to hold my baby again forever... these are familiar feelings to me. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.Fact: We have not heard anything from the Embassy in 4 weeks. They have not responded to 3 emails. No one can explain it.
"I fear that her journey won't end up in my arms." -these words, written by another adoptive mom, sank deep in to my heart because this is also my fear.
But I know The Truth in the face of the facts.
Scriptures are starting to cover my cupboard doors. Promises of God's love, goodness, faithfulness, strength to the weary, help to those who look to Him. I started collecting them the week before our case was submitted to the US Embassy. The first one the Lord gave me to up was "I weep with sorrow, comfort me with your word." Psalm 119:28. They are daily reminders of how grateful I am to know the God who formed the heavens and the earth.
I have amazing friends, family, and community of adoptive families who share this journey with me bringing me life-giving encouragement and support as well as endless prayers. I can't imagine how hard it would be without them. The Lord has used them over and over. But, I do not have words to describe the comfort and hope that has come in the quiet of my own heart, straight from the Lord. He is so real to me now. More than ever. And if I didn't have to go through the sorrow, I might have missed this sweet time with the Comforter.
I want to see Him in every day of this journey. I want to let Him have control. I want to stay right in His arms, head on His chest, letting Him wipe away my tears so I can see more clearly who He is.
Today I am reminded that the TRUTH is that God knows that every delay and disruption of this stunning journey causes my heart to know emptiness and pain. But the pain is not the end, the adoption is not even the end. In this pain, I am living with a need for Him like never before. That makes my faith alive and real. That makes me love Him more than ever.
From another blog: "There are always stories to be had, friends. He is always weaving a story — of beauty. And glory. His glory. The best kind of glory. In every seeming setback, there is glory to be had. And when our hearts receive even just one touch from the Father who seeks to captivate His children, the byproduct is radiant." (www.everybitterthingissweet.com)
Because of the depth of love I have for this baby, this wait the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Because of God's faithfulness, this the most in love with Him I have ever been. He is captivating me, His very own adopted daughter.
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