The Infinite Wisdom of God... and my lack of clarity on the adoption.

My tummy is growing everyday. I'm in that stage where every time I go somewhere, someone asks me about my pregnancy. People are so sweet and so marveled at the miracle of life. Yesterday I had my first "stranger touches my belly" experience! A super sweet sample lady at Costco just couldn't resist!! Unbelievably, I only have 3 months to go!

At the same time, my mind still wanders to the journey of our adoption. I honestly have no idea at this point if we will finish this journey with an Ethiopian child. I do fully trust the Lord to lead us. And we are peacefully waiting for His leading.

Meanwhile, adoption referrals through our agency have started to come through again - after a long, long drought! In the last month we have moved up 3 places on the baby girl list (putting us at #12) and on spot on the Toddler Girl (#10) and Toddler Boy (#2)list. We are still #1 on the sibling list, but feel pretty sure that we will not adopt two. As much as I would love to take all the babies home from Ethiopia, I'm afraid that I would be a nut case with all those youngin's under my roof!

It's nice to know that you are out there praying for us! We are so very, very blessed. I hope that each of you gets the joy of sharing Christmas with a child or two - or more! Bless you all for the love you pour out everyday.

"On Hold" - a reminder that the Lord is the perfect family planner!

This adoption process been the biggest rollercoaster of faith I have ever been on! I would have never guessed that this would be the track it would take, that this would be the time-line, that these would be the twists and turns. But every time we take an unexpected loop-de-loop, I have to remember that the Lord's ways are not like ours! He is the GREAT PLANNER of my life! He has a perfect plan!

Yesterday was on of those loop-de-loop kind of days! I called our agency to talk about how my pregnancy would effect our adoption process. I was expecting to find out when we would have to do a new homestudy. I was not expecting what they told me!

Turns out, we will have to be put "On Hold" until this baby is 6-12 months old!! I know, it sounds outrageous - believe me it was a shock to me! I was absolutely speechless and crushed when she told me that!

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who reminded me of the Truth. The Lord has definitely given us this child-in-womb for this exact time for His purpose! And He will give us our child-in-ethiopia at the perfect time as well.

It's times like this, that I am so thankful for scripture's comforting reminders of who the Lord is... I'm holding tight to these reminders this week!!

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Isaiah 55: 8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Psalm 25:4 - Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths."

We will contine to move up the lists - but not be able to accept a referral until we pass the hold period. Our social worker will do a report when the baby is 3 months old, and based on that report, our agency will determine when our hold will be over.

As it turns out, the timing of the hold make a lot of sense. It would have been hard, if not impossible to travel to ET twice during my pregnancy (can you even get those shots when you're expecting?). And it would be really hard to do it before the baby is 3-6 months old as well.

So we wait. Again. With Joyful Expectation of what the Lord has up His sleeve!! I can not wait until the day when we only have to look back on this process with awe at what the Lord taught us and the blessings He provided!! Then it truly will be like the story of Jacob and Rachel - of which this blog is named...

Genensis 29:20 "So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her."

Baby News... and it's not about adoption!!

It's 11:33 PM and I'm not sure why I'm not in bed. I feel nauseous and exhausted, but so very happy! Two nights ago, I broke down and took a pregnancy test (in the bathroom of a Walgreens!). There were just too many signs to ignore and my good friend Kindra kept looking at me with her "I'm telling you, I know your pregnant" eyes every time I smelled something strange or refused my beloved coffee drinks (they suddenly became disgusting - even though I desperately tried to deny it and actually spent $4.50 at Starbucks to prove I still liked them, only to have to pour it down the drain.)

Seriously, I was in denial! I don't know I could have been. Now it seems so obvious. But we were blown away and shocked by this precious gift from God!! It's been so fun telling everyone - and hearing their surprise and excitement for us!

Meanwhile, Ryan and I both deeply want to continue with the adoption! We're not ready to let that dream go. We are so curious to see what the Lord has in store. This adoption story has just been too wild and crazy and unknown for us to close the book now.

So, here's to God's Kind of Surprises! And to a big family to love!!!!

Awesome weekend with my college friends!

It is so refreshing to be with friends who have known you for so long (longer than we all care to admit - truly. I told Anna that it was almost our 20th high school graduation and you should have seen the SHOCK on her face!!). Aren't we still all 27?

Being with my friends this weekend was so good in so many ways, but one thing that really stuck me was how fast the seasons of life go by! It seems like just last week we were all getting married (yet, here I am about to celebrate 12 years), and yesterday we were having our first children (my baby is 9.5yrs).

Someday this adoption process will be a blur. It will truly feel like only a few days (hence the title of my blog). And then I'll be in the midst of the true journey -the one of sharing life with our children!

So I have renewed patience and hope for this season to last as long as the Lord has for it to last. Thanks, friends!

And then I get home to the happy news of more referrals which move us up on our lists! We moved to #2 on the Sibling list, #11 on the baby girl list, and #22 on the toddler girl list (which we added ourselves to last week). Yeah, for small numbers!!

That's What Faith Can Do! Returning to Peace in our Adoption Process

If you know me, you can imagine the scene... Driving down the highway, singing on the top of my lungs, balling, and thinking about how thankful I am that I have the Lord!! This song spoke to me right where I'm at - He is getting me out of this season of disillusionment. I can feel the faith returning. And I've seen... What Faith Can Do!

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing.

Song by Kutless

A Rocky Road - from thoughts of not adopting, to getting "the call"

Deep Breath... What a roller coaster the past weeks have been! With the news of the lengthening process in Ethiopia, we found ourselves in a new place. The place of disillusionment. The place where we brought all our lingering doubts and worries about this adoption to the light. We faced the thought of putting the dream of adoption behind in order to follow other dreams for our family.

I admit that this possibility has rolled through my mind from time to time, and as the years have dragged on, the thoughts have been more frequent. So it makes sense that the recent news that realistically the process is a good 6-12 months longer than we anticipated, these thought would bubble to the surface.

The Lord only knows what He has for our family - and we are seeking Him diligently. During those couple weeks of sitting on the idea of stopping the adoption, we were able to really, truly think about where life could lead if we didn't have any more kids. And if that is what we want.

At this point, we haven't made any decisions. But, ironically, we did get our first taste at getting "the call"!!! Saturday morning there was a message on my phone that there are two little girls, siblings 6 and 2, who need a home.

It was exciting to finally experience the call! But, we have decided that these girls belong to another family. I have been praying for them non-stop since the message was left. I keep imagining what this transition will be like for them, especially the 6 year old. She is Sarah's age. She has all the connectiveness to family, friends, community, culture - that Sarah does. Games she plays, food she eats, songs she sings, people she lives with and plays with. These are things she will be taken away of in exchange for life with a new family in a new world. Lord, protect her heart and spirit. And bless her with the perfect home on Earth until she can be with you in her true home!

Ryan and I have some soul-searching to do still. An audible voice, or angelic visitation would sure be nice right now. But I think the Lord wants us to seek His heart for more subtle guidance! He is good and He will give us His peace.

Lucky #13

The thought that we are nearing the "top" of these lists is surreal. When will it sink in that we will, truly, really, actually have adopted children to call our own?

This week was a huge milestone. Not just because we are now at #13 and #3, but mostly because we had the chance to really seek the Lord with some dear friends, Danny and Amy about His heart for our adoption.

We were feeling a real urgency to get on our knees and hear the Lord speak to us regarding whether we get one or two babes. Time after time, I have asked Him this question without feeling clarity! Of course, I know that the Lord will speak if we open-heartedly listen - so I wondered if I wasn't listening, or He wasn't choosing to speak.

This week He spoke. We got the assurance that He has a big plan for our family. Not only are we opening our lives to a child or children, we are opening our lives to the children of Ethiopia. It is a dream, that the Lord gave us, to someday give back to the country who gave us our child(ren). He confirmed that this week.

He also made it clear that He is not dictating whether we get one or two children. He will bless either decision. It was really helpful for Ryan to talk openly with our friends about fears of provision (financially, and culturally) for two children. Would he have what it takes to nuture two African American children - especially a young man - in this culture we live in? It is an important question. Many, many adopted children in biracial families have a hard time feeling that sense of belonging. We desperately want to provide this for our children.

The encouragement we got was that the Lord was "all for" us adopting two - there are wonderful benefits of being able to bring up biological siblings together. Our friends praying for us told us that in their spirits they had that peaceful excitement for us adopting two!

But in the end, He will give us full peace over the decision. We went in to our prayer time without peace about adopting two, and left encouraged that some of that was due to thoughts and worries that weren't from Him; and some of that may be reservation from Him that he has given us to direct us. Only Ryan and I can know which it is. So we will keep praying and see.

Whatever we do, it will be quite an adventure! Enough of just having the ticket in our pocket, we can't wait to get on the ride!

Questions only the Lord can answer...

You hear quite often about the hardships adopted children go through. How troubled and difficult they can be as they grow up. Just today, a friend told me of a family being torn apart by the struggle they are going through with their adopted child. So I am asking the Lord to show me the Truth for me.

Will I be able to give our adoptive kid(s) what they need to heal from the injustice of being orphaned?

Will I be able to give them what they need to be an African American in our culture?

Sometimes when I look ahead to raising this precious child, I relish in the priveledge of having another child in my life to love and cherish and pour out my love on. I imagine all the sweet and tender moments ahead. But other times, I worry that it will be too difficult and perhaps heartbreaking if they have a hard time healing from the spiritual pain of abandonment and the missing piece of biological connection in their life.

For these questions and worries, I only have one Answer - the Lord God Almighty who knows every tear we cry, who gives us a Way to healing, who is the Father to the Fatherless, who has a plan for a hope and a future for His creation.

And, in the end, my life is not my own. I can only do what I think the Lord has for me to do. I know that He has led us to adoption. I know that He has given me a love for being a mom. I know that He will be beside me, ahead of me, and behind me for all my days. Whether there is miraculous restoration of the spiritual injustices that our child will face in the first months of their life, or heartbreaking bondage to that experience, I will obey the Lord and love this child - or children with all of my heart.

Article on orphans in Ethiopia

I wanted to post some information on why there are so many orphans in Ethiopia. I found an article from Jan. 2006 on UNICEF.org that says, "Ethiopia counts one of the largest populations of orphans in the world: 13 per cent of children throughout the country are missing one or both parents. This represents an estimated 4.6 million children – 800,000 of whom were orphaned by HIV/AIDS.

The country has seen a steady increase in the number of children becoming orphaned because of AIDS. In the past, famine, conflict and other diseases were the main factors that claimed the lives of parents...As more and more parents die, the capacity of the extended family to take care of orphans becomes smaller and smaller,” says Björn Ljungqvist, UNICEF Representative in Ethiopia. “In all countries where you have a big HIV/AIDS epidemic, at first you don’t see any orphans at all, as they are absorbed by the traditional systems. And then all of a sudden you seem to reach some type of breaking point and you start finding these children in the streets, you start finding them working in difficult conditions, you start finding even child-headed households.”

You can read the entire article at http://www.unicef.org/infobycountry/ethiopia_30783.html

Number 3!!! Crazy Close!

Our agencies web-site was a flurry today with news of referrals! I have never seen so many in one day! So exciting for so many families! And fun for us, too! So, it's true - we are NUMBER 3 on the sibling list and NUMBER 14 on the single girl list.

It is time to do some serious praying about whether the Lord has siblings in mind for us. Our pastor has been doing some training on what Heaven is like. I was really struck by the truth that in Heaven we will have everything we need and so much more. It will be better than any dream we could ever imagine AND we will have forever to enjoy it.

My friend said that in Heaven he's going to spend the first 1000 years rock climbing! That would not be my first choice, but it did make me think about how I will have eternity to spend doing things that are full of joy and peace. I can't imagine that would not include my children.

So for all the times I think that I can not do it all. I can not be enough. I am so limited in my ability to be the mom I wish I could be, but I have this hope. That I can make up for it all in Heaven. Last night, I told our 9 year old my version of what I would spend my first 1000 years there doing. It's playing Monopoly with him (and maybe winning a time or two!). And after that, we'll go throw a football for another 1000 years.

It just made me think that my reasoning that I do not have the personal capacity for 2 more kids is temporal thinking. Of course, I would never adopt two children if we were not going to be a safe and loving family for them. Right? But should I not adopt two on the basis of worrying about not having all the money to do the things I would love to do - trips to Disneyland and college educations? Should I only adopt one more because I have never become a person who thrives on little sleep?

In Heaven we will have all the resources and all the time to do it all!!! And then I will enjoy the pleasure of 4 children to play with for eternity.

Now, it is a dangerous thing to post this thinking on the internet for anyone in the world to read. But I know that anyone reading this who loves me and my sweet Ryan will only use this for fuel to pray for God's guidance! And for His control over my musings and reasonings! Only He knows what He has in mind. Thankfully, He loves to reveal His plan to His children. I can't wait to see what it is for us!

Changes in the Ethiopian Adoption Process

After weeks of speculation from everyone in the Ethiopian adoption world, we final heard the official news that everyone matched with kids after May 10th will be required to make two trips to Ethiopia! So looks like we'll be rackin' up the air miles and getting to meet our precious child (or children) earlier in the process!!! yay! Someone just recently suggested that we just stay there in between the two visits and Ryan works from there... hmmm....

In other news - we have moved up again! First move up in a while. So it's exciting! But we have been in the throws of our remodel and move, and with that keeping us busy, I haven't been obsessing over the updates as much. Now that we're all settled, I'm sure I'll be back to my daily check-in.

We are now #15 on the baby girl list and #4 on the sibling list. We were shocked to learn that the family in front of us on the sibling list is getting triplet girls!!! Isn't that amazing? If they had turned them down, we would have been next to be offered! Whoa. I don't have any more deep thought than that. Whoa!

And in the mean-time, we are #16!!

Oh, and the good news is that we have moved up again in the midst of all this! We are now number 16 on the baby girl list and number 5 on the sibling list!! Yay!!!

Adoption is not as easy as it seemed! But it is worth it all...

A few days ago a buzz started stirring around the Ethiopian adoption community... the buzz grew to outright fear and concern in some sweet families who have been dreaming of adoption for years only to get their hopes dashed again and again.

The rumor was (and now has been confirmed, although details are still foggy) that families will have to travel to Ethiopia twice in order to complete their adoption. To some, like me, this news might not seem like such a big deal. You might be thinking, "FUN! we'll get to meet our baby a little sooner and we'll get to spend time in our child's beautiful country a bit more!! On the down-side, that's a lot of time for Sarah and Nathan to home without us - and just before launching into the huge transition of having a baby sister in the family!"

Or maybe you, like my dear husband. recognize the huge inconvenience and expense that this adds. You're reaction is, "That's a lot of time off of work and a lot of expense for travelling. We did not plan for this!!"

To us, it is an obstacle and an inconvenience... to others, it is a tribulation. I pray for those families who are overwhelmed and fearful at this news. And I am trusting God to to quench any bit of these thoughts as they rise up in me... "This is too much. Will this lead to the closure of Ethiopian adoptions? I don't think I can keep riding this adoption roller-coaster. Can I really keep doing this?"

I really, really believe that we learn and grow the most in life through things that happen outside of our control. So, I guess I should be growing a lot through this adoption process! The longer than expected wait times, the more than anticipated expenses, the paperwork mountain we summitted twice, and now the uncertainty of the system itself. I am so thankful that the Lord has always been so faithful to me. He has been such a trustworthy comforter and provider. Now is no different. I just need to wait and learn and grow...

... and remeber that it is all worth it! Oh, precious baby - this mama has loved you for so long. We are full of anticipation at your arrival. You sister and brother have dreamed and dreamed of what it will be like to have you here! I have asked the Lord enough for you to come soon. He has settled me on waiting for His timing. Now I am just asking for Him to bring you to us.

SEVENTEEN!!

Yup. Movin' on up! Still holding fast at #6 on the sibling list.

#18

So far, it seems like we are moving up the wait list rather quickly! This feels so different than the China wait... Baby girl, we love you!!!

Two Giant Steps for the Ryan Family!

Today's update brought the sweet news that we moved up TWO spots - that makes us #19 on the baby girl list! Wow!!!

The Joy of Reading!

One thing that has really blessed me during our adoption process is reading!! At first I read general books about adoption - the transition of the children, the adjustments of families, the health concerns, etc.

But what I have loved the most is reading novels about China and now Ethiopia. I have mostly read biographical novels. About China I devoured "Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China" by Jung Chang. It is a long book beginning in the time of the Grandmother's life and tells the stories of three women from three generations and all that they lived through in the history of China. So fascinating and heart-breaking. I learned so much about China and it's women.

"The Lost Daughters of China" by Karin Evans is a very popular book for people adopting from China. It tells the authors story of her adoption as well as some of the back ground in the the orphan crisis in China. It was very helpful for me to read someone's story in detail. The ups and downs and everything in between!

Now, of course, I am diving in to books about Ethiopia. I started with, "Without You There is No Me"by Melissa Faye Greene. This is an amazing true story of a woman in Ethiopia who lost her own daughter and in the face of deep depression began bringin orphaned children in to her home. This evolved in to one of the first orphanages in Ethiopia to take in children with HIV/AIDS. It is a beautiful story filled with hope and heartbreak.

I just finished a book called, "The Hospital by the River" by Catherine Hamlin. I learned more about the recent history of Ethiopia through the story of this Australian ob/gyn and her husband (also an ob/gyn) who lived most of their lives in Addis Ababa curing thousands of women from childbirth injuries which left them incontinent - and therefore alienated from their communities. Theirs is a powerful story of their love for the Lord and the mother's of Ethiopia. There is also a DVD documentary on their work called, "A Walk to Beautiful"!!

Yesterday I ordered three more books, "From Ashes to Africa" by Josh Bottomly - a story of their Ethiopian adoption, "Fields of the Fatherless" by Tom Davis - a book about the world's orphans and God's heart for adoption, and "Black Baby, White Hands" by Jaiya John - a black man adopted by a white family and his story... I'll let you know what I think of them.

Just thought I would share these precious stories because they have really helped me learn so much about the world, what God is doing, and how I can pray! Happy Reading!

Thoughts on bringing two babies home...

Last night at church, for the first time in this 4+ years process, I had that same feeling I had when I was pregnant - worshipping the Lord, thanking Him for what He's done, and praising Him for the baby on the way... Last night I REALLY felt like there IS a baby - two on the way! It's sinking in!!

Ryan and I are in the process of deciding if we bring two or one child/baby home. Last night as we talked we realized that maybe th the Lord has had this process take longer than we thought it would so that Sarah and Nathan would be at ages where it would be possible to have two younger kids added to the family. We NEVER thought of adopting two when Sarah was younger. But now that she is five, it seems really natural to have a toddler and a baby fit right in.

We will never really understand the Lord's ways, but we are trying to soak up all the lessons He has for us along the way. This recent thought reassures us that He has been with us all along and has been rejoicing in the beautiful plan He has for our family!

Already Moved Up the List to #21

Wow! We've been on the list for 2 days and already we moved up!! Now we are #21 on the baby girl list!!! Hooray! Thank you, Lord!!

The Orphanage our baby will come from.

We found a web site for the orphange that our baby will come from! It's really exciting to get a glimpse of their heart for kids! It is called Sele Enat. www.seleenat.com

2010 really may be the year we adopt our baby!!!

It is such a relief to be done with ALL OUR PAPERWORK for our Ethiopian dossier. It was actually fairly easy to do, but it was a consistent committment that has taken our focus for the past few months. And now we are DONE. On the wait list (2 wait lists) and closer to our baby!!

So, the update is that we are #22 on the "baby girl" list and #6 on the "siblings" list. Being on the Siblings list was a recent decision - and not one we are totally committed to yet. There will be a lot of praying and talking before we decide for sure if we are ready to add two beautiful children to our family right now. I asked Nathan what he thought, and his answer was - if one of them is boy!!!

We will get updates regularly as we climb up the list. They estimate to be able to match us within 8 months. I have been reading other people's blogs and have been pleased to see how frequently they are moved up! I guess this may really happen.

Not sure when I'll get over this feeling of this whole thing being unreal. surreal. Maybe when I'm on the plane? Hopefully sooner.

I can't believe the goodness of God! I am so blessed that He has had this plan for me and my family!!